The food has been good. I have given myself a lot of grace there. Last night was frozen pizza for dinner while we worked on our site. A real trigger food for me. I didn’t eat the whole thing! I didn’t throw up! I didn’t feel guilty! (I know I am cutting down on “!” and but..it seems appropriate!)

Veggies are being eaten.
Stress is low.
Situations for stress are high.

I think my strategy is working.

What I have learned so far?
Plain veggies suck. A little butter (just a little) and salt really makes me actually want to eat the food.
Chili takes about 10 min to make – less than a box of mac and cheese
30 min walking in the rain will not kill me and makes the dog happy

I will keep you posted on how everything is going.

It is coming along. I don’t drink anymore and I haven’t binged or purged in about 2 months. The intuitive eating part is getting there.

But what do I do with those voices that pop up at my moment of weakness? The tiny voice at the back of my mind trying to move to the front with “You are unlovable, stupid, fat, worthless or just plain crazy”. I have done a great job of keeping them in the back – a sign that my recovery plan is working. But lately I have just been so frustrated that they are still there.

My shrink told me that they are going to always be there. I just need to learn to acknowledge them and manage them back down. That got me to thinking…

See, in my past life..ie corporate working girl (in the non prostitute sense ) I was a pretty damn good manager. I could take tough personalities and get them to work with others – or at least stay quiet – by really caring about them. Acknowleging them. Listening to them and helping them come to a place where they were able to either help with the great goal – or – shut up.

What are the voices that hear then?
well..I am still thinking about that because whenever I come up with one of these ideas my mind gets a little soft on real examples..its pretty lame.

ok..focus.

Well, there are the voices that say:
you are too fat
You are not interesting
You are stupid
Probably wont succeed

Yeah – I know there are a lot here..and I know I am missing a bunch. Makes me feel like I am going all Cybil on the situation but my shrink assured me that Cybil didn’t know she had all that going on in her head so there was a difference. I hope so

Anyway, they can sit at the table – but they can’t rule the meeting. My goal right now is to build the business then prep for Cambodia while being emotionally available to my son and husband. The voices are going to pop up..yep..they want to be heard. That s ok, but they don’t get to participate in this goal. They are not part of it and will need to sit quiet for now.

When they do perk up I need to manage them just like I did with my team.

How? Well, I guess I will start with ” I hear you, but right now that opinion does not support what I am trying to accomplish. Let’s look at our bigger goal and decide what the right direction or outlook is to do what we are trying to accomplish.”

Sounds a little self helpy but frankly it also makes a lot of sense to me. Am I the only one who has all this going on in my head?! Seems like a lot.

I will keep you posted on how things are going.

My son is cuddled up as we watch Micky Mouse Clubhouse..it’s yummy
My hubby has thrown the first towel on the ground..right next to yesterday’s underwear.
The house is getting messy already.
The stress is creeping in.

WHY does it have to be this way? The flight home went great yesterday! It was a long day but went perfectly. Today, after 7 hours of sleep I have my sweet family near me. We are falling in to our old traditions. I can choose to keep the ones that I want to keep – like the breakfast in bed tradition.

But stay calm.

Just pick up the towel. Start a load of laundry. Spend my energy on movement – not stress.

Here is what I know about myself:
1. A messy house triggers chaotic thinking. It doesnt make sense to get stressed over this – so keep the chaos down. Just pick up the towel.

2. Eating crappy makes me feel crappy. A few vegetables..regular meals..just put the gas in the tank so I have the energy to keep going. This is a crazy time and I don’t have the luxury of crapping out.

3. Take a walk. I need to carve out 30 min a day to just go for a walk. The time away from my desk will not kill me..in fact it will be really helpful. SO GO FOR THE WALK.

I will keep you posted on how things go!
Erin

Now, on our way back we are faced with just how stressful most vacations can actually be! Hotel rooms shared with a 2 year old. SO not fun.

Breakfast in a quiet restaurant filled with businessmen – can you say BIGGEST WASTE OF $50! ? I am pretty sure that I didnt taste the food after the enlightening experience of my son screaming like a tiger and bouncing on his chair. Awesome.

Clothes are now spread all across our hotel room and any small bit of order that I once had in the suitcases is now long gone. S is upstairs packing while my normally sweet angel is jumping on the bed – completely gone after too many days in a row of eating ice cream and chocolate milk.

I am hiding in the hotel library.

Thank God we don’t drink anymore..a hangover would have set us over the edge this morning

Wish us luck. We have 5 hours in rainy Boston to do some site seeing. Then we board a plane home. Please say the “let B sleep and watch TV the whole flight so I can read a bit” prayer with me!

BTW – I really am not normally this negative..not sure what has come over me. I think its the knowledge that laundry is piling up at home..work even higher. And that vacation is over – let the chaos of life being!

Its 7:30 and I am on the front porch of the house in Maine. The sun has set a sparkle to the water and warms my foot and shoulder – the only parts not shaded by the pillar (lets me see the screen better). The breeze blows a crisp coolness across the porch leaving me to figure out if I am hot or cold –or in this case both at the same time. It is delicious.
Today is our last full day on Mount Desert Island. We will be back I am sure of it. We wont be coming back to this house though and my heart is starting to feel the cracks of sadness that have been there all week I am over all joyful and thankful for this gift of a week. After 50+ years, the house will sell this summer. It will go to another family who will create new traditions. I believe they will love the house like we always have so I am ok with that part. I mourn not sitting in my space though. So many of the memories I have here are solitary. I lived up here alone or with grandma for that summer before going off to Switzerland. MY room has always been Alice’s room or Daddy’s room so it gets complicated when people start coming here when I am here cause I get a little possesive.

The house will sell because it is time for my aunt and uncle to build their dream retirement home up the road. We will come to visit which is how I know we will be back. But it won’t be in my space. It will be –even more than it ever has been – in their house. The ache gets bigger. I want to steal dishes from the cubbard.

Enough of the sadness for now. I will let more in when I am down on the Claremont dock – for now I am lettin it simmer under the surface. Because this day is just TOO DIVINE to waste on a moment of forlorn dramatics. The water is so sparkly..I have mentioned that already right? It’s amazing so totally worth a second mention. The day sits ahead of us with so much promise! B (my son) is still sleeping. S (my husband) is still lounging in bed. P (by brother) is snoring in the bedroom above me. It is the kind of quiet that I love the most..family near by but with space. Just a side thought here – most of my family goes by their first initial in real life. So, while I am doing it here because I want to respect their privacy –however slight since this in in fact my journal on a public forum – it is not really a stretch from my every day.

Ok so what to do today? Hair appt at 9:30. What? YOU don’t get your hair done on vacation!? Its kind of a thing with my Aunt A. She always has the best hair dresser and loves hers here on the island and made an appointment for me months ago. We may walk into town before that to get coffee and a scone..well I will be getting a blueberry danish because they are SO yummy –and- I can’t really stand a scone. SO DRY!
S will ride his bike to Bar Harbor to return it to the rental shop. B and I will meet him and finish the trip with a hike to the top of..hmm..maybe one of the Bubbles. I really need to get to the Jordan Pond House gift shop too!

Tonight we will probably have broiled haddock cause that sounds good to me right now. Who knows..I still have to pack so the boys will probably be able to talk me into dinner out too.

Ok, off to read for a bit. I totally heart my Kindle. It takes a bit to get used to holding but I heart it nonetheless.

I do not want this to be one long winded rant of the tragic nature of my life. Frankly, my life is not tragic. While I may spend a lot of time worrying about a bunch of crap and going at mock 10 I do not believe that I have a sucky life. That should encourage you to keep reading. If it makes you roll your eyes you should be comforted in knowing that I have COME FROM a sucky life so I know both sides. I am not a rose colored glasses kinda gal, life has just kinda improved. Not whining too much a long the way helped..so did hard work and finding a really great hubby that is my bff helps too. Iknow..grab a tissue or a puke bucket and keep reading.

This is a place where real life is typed through the sarcastic and hopefully humorous eyes of a woman (who happens to be a mom, wife etc). I don’t know if I will nail it just right or come across like every other mom/wife blogger trying to find herself. Here is what I do know, I see the every day world and circumstances of life as pretty damn funny and my hand gets crampy when I journal. Since I tend to have an ‘open book’ life why the hell not keep a blog. As a side note, lots of people SAY they have an open book life but then have like..all these really annoying secretive parts of their life. I will tell you that I have a few secretive parts of my life I don’t think I will share but will hint at with barely veiled references. I am different than those annoying people because I am TELLING you that I have the secrets. There is so totally a big difference.

I know that right now I know that I am being called to start writing. My gut says its time to figure out who the hell I really am. I know..its the same damn journey everyone is on..right? How do I somehow think I am so unique? Because that is SO ME. All I know is that I tend to have this self absorbed feeling that I really AM the only person who worries about life’s questions. ‘Who I am’ or ‘what I am meant to do’ or ‘how to define myself’? Basically what they hell am I on this planet for! While I am being honest – I also just like the dramatics of feeling like I am the only one who is somehow smart enough and dumb enough to ponder these questions at the same time.

This first entry is a little long winded I know. Trust me..I will have many very short winded days too. But right now it feels good to get out some pretty key facts. That brings me to another point I want to share. I actually have another blog. It gets visitors. I have readers. Blah blah blah. It is tied to my company and therefore I don’t feel like I can get into actual facts of my life or say fuck or write about any of the other things I am dying to actually talk about! When I started the blog I loved it – words flowed. People read. It was a good thing. But then my business began to grow and frankly I had too many secrets for future business plans that I couldn’t ACTUALLY share what I was up to. The whole thing started to make me feel very fake. A lot of the parts of my life have left me feeling pretty darn fake. Its what I am trying to figure out – what is fake and what is real about me.

I guess that is enough for an opener. If you read this and are curious about what happens next..come back. Read something that feels SO like YOUR life? Drop me a comment.